


Little Tale of The Abyss

by ChineseCabbage



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anal Sex, Bad Spelling & Grammar, Goodbyes, I'm sorry I make Suga doing what he's doing in this fic, M/M, Not Beta Read, Prostitute!Suga, Prostitution, Red Light District, Suga Centric, World War II
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-06
Updated: 2018-03-06
Packaged: 2019-03-27 19:23:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13887504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChineseCabbage/pseuds/ChineseCabbage
Summary: The room inside the brothel was Koushi's deepest abyss, coated with luxury, fake laugh, and sweet words. And then, Daichi came, and through his short visits, he somehow turned Koushi's darkest ocean into their sanctuary. Just like a prince charming from the fairytale.But life wasn't a fairytale. And sometimes, a voice or glass slippers or golden yarns weren't enough to trade the happily ever after.Based from a song from Sasakure.UK featuring Asako Toki, Little Cry of The Abyss.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I made this story mostly based from my favorite song from Sasakure.UK featuring Asako Toki, [Little Cry of The Abyss](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bldyRH_XrOM). The song itself is a re-tell of The Little Mermaid by Hans Christian Andersen. It's beautiful!
> 
> I tried to search as much as I can for Suga's male prostitute profession in Showa-era Japan, _kagema_ , but mostly I only found about _geisha_ , or the female prostitute, _oiran_. But at least I somehow grabbed the idea that _kagema_ might be different from them. So I set the rules that despite Suga was an infamous _kagema_ in Yoshiwara, he might be not as much of a celebrity, or considered an artist, compared to the latter two. So he didn't received the art and other lessons like a _geisha_ or _oiran_ did.
> 
> But I might be wrong, so don't hesitate to point any mistake as my researches about _kagema_ , Yoshiwara, Asakusa, World War II, and any other elements of this story might be false or incomplete :"D.
> 
> Also, sorry for any bad grammars or typo you've found while reading. I'm open for correction so don't hesitate to point that out in comment section.

__

_I want to be fascinated by the world where the dream continues._

_You were drowning, deeper than the sea._

_Nice to meet you._

 

*

 

**1948, AUTUMN**

The letter has gone crumpled, brown and weary at the edges. Enough to tell him about the long and tiring journey this letter has been through, to finally arrive at the hands of the owner of the name that written on the envelope—his name. The sender’s name remained unknown, but the line _‘to Sugawara Koushi’_ at the front side is informing enough about the sender’s identity.

After all, there’s only one person who knows him, and had called him, by this name.

Musters up his courage, Koushi opens the envelope.

 

*

*

*

 

**1942, SPRING**

They met for the first time at Koushi’s work place. Daichi was nineteen back then, and he was obviously gullible of where his friends taking him that night. And Koushi only knew as much too. So both were staring at each other, as baffled as the other one, in compromising position where Koushi has laid his hand on Daichi’s pants.

“What are you doing?”

“What are _you_ doing?”

Koushi, usually well-known on the street for his smug and seductive smile, was barely an inch away from losing his selling image. However, he’d been in this business so long and knew better that professionality was what made him the best-selling _kagema_ in Yoshiwara. So Koushi concealed his startled face and maintained his alluring charisma as he pulled himself from Daichi.

“My Lord, I thought you need my comfort …?”

“Comf— _what_?” Daichi’s face quickly changed from bewilderment to shock once he realized what kind of comfort Suga had meant and offered to him for the last fifteen minutes, “who said that?!”

“No one, My Lord. But that’s why gentlemen like you come to me in the first place.”

The handsome face frowned as he explained to Koushi, “my friends bring me here because they thought I need to relax and _loosen_ up a little.”

“How thoughtful they are, My Lord,” chimed Koushi sweetly as he giggled, “you do look stiff.”

This whole _comfort_ thing was the idea of lunatic hoodlum duo who also happened to be Daichi’s school friends, respectively named Kuroo Tetsurou and Bokuto Koutarou. They all had differences and issues, but most of the time, Daichi had no problem with them.

_Most of the time._

This situation was surely didn’t fall to that category. Bringing their most conservative, boring friend to dine in a shady restaurant _(“but their food is the best! Promise!” –Said Bokuto early that night, “and you need to loosen up, Daichi! How long has it been since the last time you play?”—Added Kuroo_ ) which turned out to be a brothel, was surely Kuroo and Bokuto’s twisted idea of fun. And Daichi thought they had been in friendly terms long enough to avoid this kind of prank.

But it’s probably Daichi’s fault too, for taking his friends’ immorally borderline, prankster nature too lightly. Plus, leading a quiet, bookish student life for too long dulled his sense somehow and Daichi had become too slow to see the weird, obscene atmosphere of Yoshiwara’s streets; the restaurant with too many private rooms, too-flirty waiters in very-loose-robe which barely hanging on their body, or the private service offered by this beautiful _kagema_ who preferred to be called as _Suga_.

The _kagema_ was indeed had what it took to be in this business. Even the-ever-so-slow Daichi realized that one, at least. He’s probably somewhere between twenty one or twenty-two years old. It’s hard to take his eyes from the soft feature of his face. The soft, brown eyes which offered warm and hospitality. The tiny beauty spot under his right eye. The soft short locks of his grey hair. The thin red lips with smile that never ceased. The lean body that hidden under bright, silky robe. Daichi found it awkward as his eyes caught a glance of his skinny wrist and a glimpse of the alluring white skin of Koushi’s nape. It felt inappropriate, even for a guy.

Daichi cleaned his throat, hoping it could help his stiff and awkward reaction to Koushi, “so, Suga-san, you’re not here to only accompany me dine and chat, are you?”

Koushi smirked playfully, “I can give you much more than that, My Lord. Your kind friends have made special request for me before they left—”

“Wait, they left?!” Cut Daichi in disbelief. Now this situation had turned hilarious for Koushi. This young master (it’s easy to spot one for Koushi. They wore expensive, tailored western attire with vest and tie and inexperience and innocent were clearly plastered on their face. _Especially this one_ in front of him), somehow got himself tricked by his friends to visit an infamous _kagema_ brothel without knowing it. He probably didn’t even have a thing for man, this poor guy. Koushi couldn’t decide whether to pity or to laugh at him.

“They had left since you’re dropped here, My Lord.”

Daichi blinked his eyes a few times, as if it could clear his vision from a very strong illusion featuring a private room inside a brothel with a male prostitute looking at him like he’s a premium-grade meat. Meanwhile Koushi only chuckled towards him, keeping the saccharine tone in his voice, “Now I believe this is your first time in Yoshiwara, My Lord. And I feel honored to introduce you—”

“No, you don’t need to,” cut Daichi fast before the kagema could finish whatever he wanted to say.

“I beg your pardon?”

“Let me finish my food,” Daichi pointed to the table, “and then I’ll go home. And you’re free for the night.”

It’s really hard for Koushi to keep his mouth from gaping.

“Oh, and you can relax while I dine in, probably,” Daichi smiled kindly, “it must be hard to keep that composure all the time .... _Itadakimasu_.”

Daichi clapped his hands once and started eating. Well, the food was pretty good; at least Bokuto didn’t lie for this one. And it became Koushi’s turn to awkwardly staring at his supposed-to-be-client; eating alone on his own without the usual raunchy remarks or requests. Now that’s weird.

Daichi maybe could feel the sharp stare from Koushi, and he decided to put down his chopstick after gulped down a big bite of fish, “I’m sorry, is there something wrong? You can join me if you want, these are way too much servings for one person after all.”

“Thank you, My Lord. But I’m not hungry.”

“And so …?”

Koushi sighed and rubbed his nape, “well, My Lord … we don’t accept refund request.”

“I think so, too,” answered Daichi calmly.

“And your friends hire me for all night long—like, I’m here until it’s dawn.”

“Hmm … just take it as a paid-break?”

 _Unbelievable_. Koushi opened his mouth. And closed it again. And opened again, “… who are you, really?”

“No one. I’m pretty sure I’m not even supposed to be in this kind of place, actually—not that I want to degrade your work place or profession—” Daichi added fast in apologetic tone, “—but, you see … my age, is barely legal to be here. I believe my friends are the same too. I need to talk to them about that—

“No, I mean,” cut Suga, “shouldn’t you take your _chance_ for this? Nobody will know about what you’re doing here ….”

Because that’s what a man would do; what humans would do.

Yet Daichi only rubbed his chin in thoughtful manner while he considering his own answer, “let’s say, I’m not the type who like to do something, _err_ , like … _this_. Oh—will you get punished for not … err, _serving_ your client? I’m not really sure how the procedure works—”

“No, I won’t. But—”

“Is there any other thing bothering you, then?”

Koushi went silence at the gentle dark brown eyes staring at him, sincerely looking for any reason for the discomfort on his face. This felt so wrong. He should be the one who acted as the caregiver here, making sure that his client was at comfort. He should be the one who left his client stuttered and blushed from sweet talks and touches. But then the last three minutes had the odds turned to him instead.

… Yet Koushi kept stuttering and somehow blushing as he answered, “well … I mean—no, there isn’t _but_ ….”

Daichi waited for Koushi to continue, and after a minute of considering and mumbling to himself, Koushi sighed.

_Well, let’s play whatever game this customer wanted, then._

“Do you really mean your words?"

“I do.”

“This is not some kind of trap or trick for the benefit of your alibi or something?”

Daichi chuckled for that one, “what? of course no!”

“Are you serious?”

“I’m serious, Suga-san.”

The consent from Daichi worked like turn-off button for Koushi’s seductive mode. And then, completely out of his charisma, Koushi stretched his arm, folded his legs from the tiring proper _seiza_ position, and groaned, “ _aaah_ … this feels a lot better."

Daichi felt awkward again at the amount of skin had shown from Koushi’s movement and decided to shifted his eyes from the _kagema_ to his food again.

“It must be hard to do that all day,” commented Daichi.

Koushi laughed, “are you kidding me? That is the longest time I ever sit in that cursed position. Usually my client already pushed me down since the first 5 minutes they entered this room. Time is money here, you know. Literally.”

“Oh,” Daichi responded shortly. It’s a little bit hard to adjust himself with Koushi’s casualness of describing his unusual daily work.

“By the way, because you’re a very nice client, I’ll give you an advice.”

“Hm? What is it?”

“It’s probably better for you to stay here until morning. You really _look_ like a rich young master. You might get into trouble as soon as you step out from here.”

Daichi nodded and chewed his food slowly, the signs that showed Koushi that his client was thinking. Koushi took the chance to form a playful smirk on his face and whispered huskily, closing their distance into a mere inch again, “… about to change your mind and let me take care of you instead? You’re so handsome, you know ... I can give you extra service for that.”

Daichi refused to look at him and kept his eyes on his food. He tried to speak as casual as possible when he shook his head, “nope. I bring my textbooks in my bag. I will spend the night here, preparing for upcoming exam maybe. Thanks for your advice anyway, Suga-san. You may sleep if you’re tired.”

Daichi heard Koushi muttered “unbelievable” under his breath.

 

*

 

“Is studying really that fun?” Asked Koushi after 3 hours silence in the room.

Daichi turned his head from his book to the _kagema_ who laid on the futon behind him. Looking at the pure curiosity in Koushi’s eyes, he answered, “it is fun … maybe.”

“You don’t sound so sure.”

Daichi smiled for that remark, and he explained his hesitation further, “when I was small, it was fun, learning something that you never knew before. But I probably had studied for too long, I hadn’t considered the fun of it anymore.”

“Then why are you still studying?”

Daichi’s eyes moved to the ceiling as he thought up his answer.

“Hm … probably because getting bad grades leaves me unsatisfied and guilty. I at least don’t want to feel that.”

“I see.”

Koushi thought the conversation had ended and each of them would back to their own activities; Daichi with his study, and Koushi with his … mind wandering around for nothing. But it seemed like Daichi wanted to prolong their small talk a little more.

“What about you, Suga-san?”

“About me for what?”

“Studying?"

Koushi snorted a laugh, “Young Master, I can’t even read.”

Koushi didn’t know why Daichi felt bad for that as he sincerely apologized, “I’m sorry for my rudeness, Suga-san.”

“You shouldn’t apologize to me, Young Master,” said Koushi. And after a short while, he added, “or treating me like I’m one of your peers.”

The silence came back once more, but Daichi didn’t let it stay for too long again. He closed his textbook, and turned his whole body and attention to Koushi.

“Do you want to study, Suga-san?” offered Daichi. And there’s something from those gentle, dark brown eyes that made Suga couldn’t say no.

 

*

 

Koushi didn’t know since when he had fallen asleep. But when he woke up, the room was empty and his client had gone. And instead leaving him with cums to be cleaned or painful finger marks on his skin, the client left him with a hundred stories of their ancestors and each of their history instead. About the land far away from Japan. Of people wearing clothing so different from him, speaking a language he never heard, eating the most bizarre food he could imagine, living in a land he never knew exist. It sounded marvelous and impossible, yet happened right in this moment, somewhere across the sea.

It made Koushi felt so small; trapped inside his room in a street full of brothels when there was something bigger and magical happened at the other side of world.

That client might already forget about him when he got back to his luxurious life. And his act of kindness maybe was solely a remedy for his boredom. But Koushi felt he needed to thank him for this morning where he woke up, and for the first time in his life, didn’t feel like a weary, worn-out scum.

For once after what seemed like a million, Koushi wondered about the name of his customer.

 

*

 

And then a few weeks later, when Koushi was about to forget his encounter with the weird young master who refused to let him did his job, he appeared again in his room, and greeted him casually.

“Good evening, Suga-san. Nice to meet you.”

“Good … evening …?” replied Koushi, unsure.

“Have you had dinner yet? The waiters serve me too much food for one person again,” said Daichi, referring to the banquet on the table in front of them.

“Yeah, of course they would. That’s included in the service of hiring me for a whole night— _no, I mean_ —” Koushi cleared his throat, “what are you doing here?”

He couldn’t believe how nonchalant Daichi’s answer was, “oh … you see, my family holds a big party in my house and I can’t concentrate studying with all the noise and I remember how surprisingly calm here at night, so ….”

“I’m pretty sure this is not a library. And you probably should really consider the library instead, Young Master.”

“But I can meet you here. And you’re a nice person to talk with,” replied Daichi with a smile.

 _This guy_ , Koushi thought, _is insane._

“You do realize how high my fare right now, don’t you?”

Daichi scratched the back of his head, “well … I need to save up a bit for that, but I can manage.”

_Insane. And loaded as hell._

“So please enjoy your paid-break, Suga-san,” he said politely and focused on his food again.

“Unbelievable,” muttered Koushi under his breath.

 

*

 

“By the way, Suga-san,” said Daichi at what was probably his third or fourth visit. It’s hard to keep count with so many new things Koushi learnt from their study session.

“Yes?"

“My name is Sawamura Daichi.”

Koushi frowned, “you also didn’t need to tell me that, Young Master. We shall speak nothing about the clients here.”

“But I don’t want you to keep calling me ‘Young Master’ or ‘My Lord’.”

“….”

“What’s your name, Suga-san?”

The smile Koushi sent to him is rather unreadable as he answered, or rather, repeated his answer, “I have introduced myself, haven’t I?”

“What I mean, is—"

“It’s Suga,” cut Koushi short. It could be considered as rude, but it’s needed so he could draw the line, “you can also call me with whatever you want.”

Daichi dropped his head, “is that the procedure?”

“I believe so.”

 

*

 

Koushi had done a lot of weird requests from his regulars. Some liked him to dress like a girl. Some wanted him acted like an adolescent. Some preferred him to be naughty. Some liked to bind him tightly with ropes. Some liked to be called with specific name or rank. It’s ludicrous to see how wild a human’s imagination can be. But none of them ever rented his time for a friendly chit-chat with tea and chess to play. None of them ever read him a dozen of book or taught him patiently the words in it. None of them ever treat him like he’s one of their fellow companions.

And despite how awkward it started, Koushi learned easily to adapt with this friendship-game this specific young master wanted to play with him. Besides, he was paid for literally doing nothing, it’s a winning situation for him to get some rest and still received payment from it. And slowly, without even realizing it, he found himself waiting for weekends, the time where the unusual customer rent his time to talk with him all night.

“Oh! Checkmate. I win again.”

Daichi groaned as Koushi’s fingers swiftly took his king, “how come you become better than me when I’m the one who teach you chess.”

Koushi laughed and take a sip from his cup, “shouldn’t you feel proud to be beaten by your pupil?”

“It’s too fast. It’s barely a month since the first time I bring you chess.”

Koushi giggled, “the Europeans must be really smart to invent this kind of game! It’s really fun!”

“Nope, it’s the Indian who invented it first.”

“Oh, I kinda forgot that one.”

“Wanna try _shogi_ next?”

Koushi pouted, “it’s obviously gonna be your win. I can’t read.”

“Then I’ll teach you how to read.”

“I told you it’s no use. How many years do you think it will take until I can read?”

Daichi’s eyebrows frowned for the remark. He believed otherwise, “You’re brighter than what you believe, Suga. You’ll learn fast.”

Daichi stared deeply into his eyes, and Koushi found himself losing words.

“And if somehow you find it difficult … I’ll guide you,” convinced Daichi, “slowly,” then he smiled gently and reassuringly to Koushi. It’s hypnotizing, and for a moment, it seemed like Koushi could forget his worries; about the past, the job he’s bounded into, the brothel, even the unknown future.

Koushi wanted to believe.

 

*

 

“So … _Suga_ , isn’t it …?”

Daichi stared at the blank paper, tapping a pen on his chin while thinking.

“What is it?”

“The kanji for your name. We can start learning by your name first … but I have to find out first how’s your name is written.”

“You don’t need to go that far, honestly,” chuckled Koushi right beside him, looking at Daichi with amused expression. But Daichi ignored him as he mumbled to himself, deep in his thought. Koushi wanted just to ignore and let Daichi cracking codes on his own. Yet surprisingly, he sighed after a few minutes and finally relented a piece of information he never thought would be spilled to one of his customers.

“It’s Sugawara Koushi.”

Daichi turned his head right away.

“ _Sugawara_ , written like a _sedge plain_ , and _Koushi_ ... uhh, if I’m not mistaken it should be written with the kanji for _support_ _and piety_. It’s been so long since I heard it.”

“That’s … your name?” Asked Daichi, almost sounded like he’s mesmerized.

Koushi smiled and nodded, “if I don’t remember it wrong.”

“You have a beautiful name.”

That left Koushi speechless and blushed, “… what? come on. You’re joking. _It’s a terrain of grass. Plain grass_.”

Again, Daichi disagreed, “nothing is wrong or plain with _sedge_. Grass is one of the strongest plant! They can survive even in the harshest condition, they don’t die easily from stomped around, they—”

The words suddenly lost at the tip of his tongue at the sight of Koushi blushed hard with disbelief look in his eyes. Daichi let out deep breath.

“W-well … I guess you get it.”

The tatami suddenly looked very interesting for Koushi to be looked at and he mumbled, “err … so can you write it or not?”

Daichi cleaned his throat, “well … yes. Of course. _Yes_. It should be written like this ….”

Koushi couldn’t understand at first why Daichi thought his name is beautiful, as it sounded plain for him. But staring at his own name for the first time, written by Daichi, dark ink crisscrossing at each other forming a meaningful syllable, it’s indeed feel like a beautiful string of words, somehow. It left him speechless for more. He wanted to see more of Daichi’s handwriting, of more words and lines.

“How about your name?” Asked Koushi, mesmerized.

“Hmm … it’s like this.”

Daichi didn’t understand the twinkle on Koushi’s eyes as he kept staring at their name written on the paper. He wrote his name for a thousand times since the first time he could write, but Koushi made him felt like he had just done something wonderful and marvelous. And that, had left his chest fluttering.

In the morning, Koushi found himself alone again in his room. The dim light of the sun shined over a book and a pen. He opened the book to find his own scratchy writing with Daichi’s beautiful one inside it. At the sight of Daichi’s name, Koushi smiled.

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yes, Suga is slightly older than Daichi in this story. He was probably (?) in his early 20, while Daichi was 19 when they met.


	2. Chapter 2

Koushi’s private room was located at the back side of the building. It was one of the biggest and most luxurious room in the brothel, enough to show the visitors how he was a courtesan of another level here. It also promised privacy and intimacy for his customers. The busy noise of Yoshiwara streets almost didn’t reach this room. And with how the furniture was decorated, if it wasn’t for the fact this room belonged to a brothel, people would think that Koushi stayed in a rest house owned by his wealthy family.

The clients saw the room and _Suga_ as an illusion of a magical dream. Where no sadness and pain allowed and stressful life seemed never breached in. This was their utopic escape, paid with thousands of _yen_ sheets. Meanwhile Koushi saw his own room as a golden prison made by his own debt. There was debt in every inch of his body; meals, dozens of beautiful _kimono_ , cosmetics, hair accessories; everything. It was a beautiful system to imprison his legs to the brothel with an invisible chain, until his _okaa-san_ demeaned him to be unworthy to be sold.

He was indebted until he’s dead. Or supposed to. Somehow, Koushi managed to evade the grim future, and became a rare case where his work was now debt free. One of his most loyal patron had paid it for him, with exchange of an illusion that he owned a night butterfly of Yoshiwara.

Although he was a man himself, even Koushi thought how fool a man could be; especially those with high ranks and social status and seemed like didn’t know any better way to spend their money. His newest regular somehow became like one of those dirty old men a little too soon; spending his loaded pocket money to spend a night with him— _yet didn’t even touch his hand_. What a fool.

Still, Koushi was intrigued with that foolness.

The brothel’s waitress was the first to notice there was a little interior improvement in Koushi’s room, when Yoshiwara’s spring sky has turned gray and gloomy for rainy season before summer started.

“Those are some weird gifts you get, Suga-san.”

Koushi took a look to the corner and giggled for the sight; on top of a short-legged desk (that Suga actually never used before except for some indecent act requested by his customers), there was a short tidy pile of books, and a chess board.

“Yeah, the client likes to see me as a bookish student, it seems.”

“Can you even read those?”

“Rude. He taught me how.”

It's the waitress' turn to giggle with a knowing smile, “seems like a _fun_ study session.”

Koushi lips knotted into a smile as he agreed with the waitress, despite the different context of their small chat, “it was _fun_ , indeed.”

 

*

 

 _“The rainbow stands, in a moment, as if you are here,”_ Daichi quoted, after Koushi told him about a rainbow he saw from the window after a rain in the afternoon.

“What beautiful words.”

“It’s from a _tanka_ , short poem,” Daichi explained and wrote the tanka down on Koushi’s notes, “means that the happiness and fascination we feel when we see a rainbow is just like meeting a lover.”

“The lover must be so beautiful for the poet to write that,” commented Koushi, he stretched his stiff arms from staying in the same reading position for too long, the stifled weary growl from the back of his throat was mixed with the chirps from summer crickets and the gentle drips from the downpour outside.

“So the feeling of fall in love is just like seeing a rainbow, huh?” Koushi continues once he felt his body a bit more relaxed, “doesn’t sound special at all. I thought it would be more … overwhelming? Like you feel you’re gonna die just imagining their face or something.”

Daichi laughed, “you think so? I rather prefer the gentle description.”

“Why?”

“When the love was overwhelming,” Daichi started, “you can’t feel calm. You’re afraid of everything. What if they don’t love me back? What if I’m not good enough for them? What if they’re seeing someone? What if there are others who love them too? You easily get angry from incomprehent jealousy. It drives you crazy. I guess if I fall in love, I just wanted to feel calmed and save, I want to admire and flatter them, just like when I get to see the rainbow.”

Koushi somehow stunned with the strings of his explanation, as he replied with a clear admiration in his voice, “you should write a poem too, Daichi.”

“I’m not that capable to make beautiful proverbs or imagery, actually.”

“But you sounded great just like that,” Koushi chuckled, “girls will fall for you.”

“You’re teasing me, aren’t you?”

“I’m serious. Come on, try to flatter me. Test your skill.”

“I don’t have that skill.”

“Yes, you have. I’ve founded it for you.”

“You’re joking.”

“Come ooon ...” nagged Koushi. It brought laughter to Daichi, and he relented.

“Fine,” Daichi sighed, and then he looked at Koushi’s face, the round light brown eyes, the bridge of his nose, his thin lips, the tiny dot under his left eye. Koushi was beautiful, and Daichi found himself couldn’t string up any words to define or compare it ... but he tried, “you’re ….”

Koushi held his breath. Just realized by now how bad this idea, as he felt blood rushing to his cheeks from the way Daichi’s eyes staring at him deeply.

“You’re beautiful ….”

“Beautiful ….”

“I-I mean—” Daichi stuttered, “you’re just so beautiful. I must look like a creep if I’m standing beside you.”

_Oh boy, he’s indeed terrible with this._

Koushi tried to hide his laugh with his hand, and Daichi groaned while hiding his face away from Koushi.

“God, this is embarrassing.”

“You sound like a creep, indeed.”

“Just forget it already.”

“But really,” Koushi huffed a loud breath to calm himself down, “what a scam. You sound like you have fallen in love when you describe the feeling.”

Daichi answered solemnly, “I do.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“And it feels just like when you see a rainbow?”

“It feels like there is a rainbow every time I meet that person,” Daichi answered steadily, “honestly, I think that person is more than just a rainbow.”

“… Oh,” was Koushi’s only answer. Because Koushi himself startled of how he couldn’t make his heart big enough to wish him luck, or sincerely wondering about that lucky _person_. Jealousy clawed his chest, leaving an ugly scar, even when Koushi also _knew_ he won’t have the chance. It’s ridiculous; Daichi came from a different world far away from him. it didn’t like Koushi could just build a bridge to cross through and ran to him.

It’s just _unfair,_ when Daichi was the cause of this happy and fascination feeling in his chest every time they met. He was the rainbow for Koushi.

 

*

 

It’s unusual to find Koushi told him his stories first. He’s pretty much against the idea, no matter how much Daichi asked to speak about himself more. He didn’t want to talk about his past, or anything about himself actually. And it’s also strictly forbidden for him to speak about his customers. And with Koushi spent most of his time with one customer to another, it’s obvious he had nothing to tell to Daichi in the end. Which usually left their weekly meetings with Daichi spinned the yarn and Koushi stayed as the faithful listener.

Honestly, deep in his mind, Daichi didn’t want to hear the stories about Koushi’s other customers too. The thought itself irritated him.

But today, it’s different, somehow.

“I met Europeans yesterday,” said Koushi cheerfully.

Then something ugly that Daichi didn’t know exist inside him, growled in anger. The more Koushi spoke about the Europeans who visited him yesterday—of how bewildered he was with how big their builds and how tall their nose bridges, about the light color of their eyes and their accented Japanese—the louder Daichi’s ear rang and he found himself clenched his fist.

_What is that …?_

“…. Daichi?”

Daichi snapped out of his mind. He didn’t know he had been holding his breath this whole minute. The rush of air filling his chest cleared his mind again, “… err, yes? Sorry, I’m thinking about the other thing—”

“I’m sorry,” cut Koushi fast, a worried expression Daichi didn’t want to see now appeared on his face, “I shouldn’t talk about _the others_ —I kinda … well, it’s my mistake. No reason for that.”

“You shouldn’t apologize, seriously—”

But then he saw a flash of regret on Koushi’s face. And now he wished he could control himself better, could _hide_ his feelings better.

“Let’s just forget it, okay?” Offered Daichi, trying to sound as calm as possible, quickly picked another topic to talk to, “hey, I’m looking at my family’s library and found this ….”

 

*

 

It was a story book from a small country named Denmark, far in Europe, right after the north side of Germany. The title of the book was _Den Lille Havrue,_ meant _The Little Mermaid._ Or at least, Daichi said so. Honestly, Koushi wouldn’t even know if he lied to him about it.

“You can read _this_?” Asked Koushi in disbelief at the bizarre words of an unknown language on the book. It was a beautiful picture book, dozens of bright colors retelling the story on its own.

“A Little. My German teacher can read Danish. He taught me a few words. Besides, I still remember the story.”

“The girl doesn’t wear any cloth,” Koushi pointed out at a picture of a beautiful young lady, who laid down on top of a rock. The sea spread vast behind her. “and she has fins instead of legs.”

“Since she’s a _mermaid_.”

“But she’s so beautiful.”

“Well … since she’s a mermaid.”

“Is she got punished by Amaterasu or something? That’s sad.”

Daichi laughed, “no, she isn’t. But yes, her story is kind of sad.”

 

*

 

Koushi wept on the sleeve of his brightly patterned _kimono_ as Daichi finished reading the last line of The Little Mermaid.

“That’s really sad,” Koushi scrunched his runny nose, “what a poor girl.”

Daichi snorted a laugh at the hoarseness in Koushi’s voice, “did you listen to the story, though? You started weeping since I mentioned she traded her voice for a pair of legs.”

Koushi smacked his shoulder, “d-don’t laugh …! Ugh … what kind of devil made a story this sad, seriously ….”

“He’s Hans Christian Andersen.”

“Curse him and all his descendants,” said Koushi before blowing his nose loudly with a tissue.

Daichi scratched the back of his head awkwardly, “he never had one, though.”

For once, Koushi lifted his face from his sleeve and it became hard for Daichi to keep his composure. There’s something cute with Koushi’s reddened nose and swollen eyes.

“W-why?”

“He died alone,” answered Daichi, “some people believed he was in love with a friend of his but they couldn’t get together. So Andersen created this story for that person, silently telling them about his feeling.”

“Poor him,” mourned Koushi, “is the girl left him to marry another person?”

“Rumor has it that it’s a guy, actually.”

“That’s even sadder.”

Daichi offered Koushi his cup of tea to calm himself down. When Koushi spoke to him again, there’s still a hint of nasality in his voice.

“Daichi.”

“Yes?”

“You said you can speak Danish?”

“I know a few words, but it’s not enough to speak fluently," explained Daichi. And it made Koushi curious even more.

“How many words in other languages did you know, really?”

“I never count.”

“I wonder,” Koushi smiled playfully, “want to speak them for me?”

Daichi only stared at him at first, his face unreadable. But soon he smiled and nodded. Then the next time he opened his mouth, Koushi listened to a bunch of beautiful unknown words he never heard before.

“Jeg elsker dig.”

“Ich liebe dich.”

“Ti amo.”

“Je t’aime.”

“I love you.”

Koushi looked amazed as he counted, “that’s five! What do they mean?”

He wouldn’t ever forget the way Daichi’s eyes piercing right through him as he whispered the meaning of those words. The flickers from the candle reflected on the clear, dark brown eyes.

“ _愛してるよ—ai shiteru yo._ ”

And then, the smile had gone from Koushi’s face. His thought from their meeting few weeks ego echoed again.

_Couldn’t just build a bridge to cross through and ran to you ...._

Daichi casted his head down, and stayed like that in silent.

“My Lord, please don’t visit me ever again.”

Daichi had mustered up all his courage and won against the fear and doubt in his chest to finally say the words. Yet he felt more like a loser.

 

*

 

Koushi stared at the chess board in front of him, pieces scattered in checkmate. It ended a match against himself. He stretched his arms after it went stiff from sitting in the same position for hours.

“This isn’t fun ...” he muttered sadly to the chess board, “I shouldn’t cast _him_ out. Now I lose a regular ….”

Two weeks had gone slow since Koushi kicked out his own regular. And _wow_ , had life always been this boring before Daichi? He never knew. Daichi made him forgot the routine of feeling _dying_ inside from living a dull, loathsome life of selling his own dignity to everyone who’s willing to pay. Koushi had never realize how bounded his legs was. Now he got a taste of the world from Daichi, making a living from spreading his legs around felt even worse than how he started it back then. It’s suffocating.

“I know, right? Life won’t work out with just fins,” said Koushi to himself at the sight of The Little Mermaid peeking from the corner of his room, “I want a pair of legs, too.”

And _voice_ , seemed like a small price to trade.

 

*

 

“This winter sure is long,” muttered Koushi lifelessly on his _futon_ , felt more tired than usual. He even felt too lazy to clean himself, and conflicted between laid down and felt miserable for forever, or started to clean the disgusting, oozing, sperm dripping between his thigh. Koushi groaned miserably at the thought of that.

“Suga-san, it’s not even a month yet since autumn started,” corrected the waitress who brought him a big bowl of hot water earlier,

“if you feel sick, I’ll tell _okaa-san_ for you.”

“It doesn’t like she will give me a paid-leave or something ….”

Koushi finally got up and sluggishly moved to reach the water bowl and the towel.

“So it’s not even a month yet, huh?”

“By the way, Suga-san, _okaa-san_ wondered about one of your regulars.”

“Huh?”

“A handsome young man, she said,”—Koushi almost choked at the specific depiction of that certain regular—“she wondered why he hadn’t come lately.”

He squeezed the wet towel a bit too hard, face turned to sour, “how would I know? Maybe he’s bored or something.”

The waitress looked at him with pity, and spoke for the last time before she left Koushi’s room, “you better find a better excuse, you’re not a good liar, you know.”

 

*

 

It’s finally weekend again. The fourth long and exhausting weekend since the last time he met Daichi. There wasn’t any hint of regular customer who wanted to book him for a long night shift, and Koushi started to cease down his hope. In the long run, kicking Daichi out seemed like a bad decision. Regular customers were hard to catch, no matter how famous he was as a _kagema_. And regular customer who didn’t even want to touch his hand maybe only could be found once in a gazillion years. Koushi shouldn’t let his emotion ran over his professionalism. No matter what, this is business.

 _No,_ his stubborn heard dared to say, _you miss him. So much, that it hurts. So hurt, that you want to die._

“Suga-san,”

“Yes?” Koushi dragged his answer for the waitress behind the door.

“ _Okaa-san_ wants you to prepare yourself, you get a VIP tonight.”

There’s a beat that his heart skipped at the announcement, because his brain flashed the only name and face he could think of, “a regular? For a whole night?”

“For _three_ whole nights. He wants to bring you to his resort at Karuizawa for this whole weekend.  _Okaa-san_ said you must change to—”

“I know! I know! Just tell him to wait for ten—no, five minutes!”

Koushi stumbled, heart thumping so hard it felt like it would break his ribs, nervous for no reason, as he reached the drawer at the back of his room.

 

*

 

Thick moustache. Big, sturdy frame. Hints of grey hair started to appear at the roots. And despite he didn’t wear his uniform (well, his casual clothes was still unusually flashy for Yoshiwara standard), Koushi knew there were three stars and 2 thin strips badge on his shoulder. All the thumpings and blushing five minutes earlier now seemed like a waste. However, Koushi had trained himself long enough to easily hide the disappointment on his face.

“ _Oh my_ , General. It’s been so long.”

“It should be my words, _Little Crow_ , you’re so hard to meet these months. And you never accept advance reservation.”

Koushi knotted his lips into a smile, “or else it would be a monopoly, My Lord.”

The General chuckled, “now … now … have you forgotten about how you should call me when you’re mine?”

“Of course,” Koushi nodded softly, “pardon me, _Sawamura-san_.”

 

*

 

_“By the way, Suga-san.”_

_“Yes?”_

_“My name is Sawamura Daichi.”_

_Koushi’s chest suddenly turned a ton heavier at his name. It’s a familiar surname. The one he heard once in a while when the name’s owner visited him. The one he needed to moan in those visits._

No wonder this young master was so rich _, Koushi thought grimly. He was still a close relative to General Sawamura, it seemed. Probably even closer than his assumption. And if his guess was right, he feared it certainly would turn ugly someday in the future._

_Koushi frowned, “you also didn’t need to tell me that, Young Master. We shall speak nothing about the clients here.”_

_“But I don’t want you to keep calling me ‘Young Master’ or ‘My Lord’.”_

_“….”_

_“What’s your name, Suga-san?”_

_The smile Koushi sent to him was rather unreadable as he answered, or rather, repeated his answer, “I have introduced myself, haven’t I?”_

_“What I mean, is—"_

_“It’s Suga,” cut Koushi short. It could be considered as rude, but it’s needed so he could draw the line, “you can also call me with whatever you want.”_

_Daichi dropped his head, “is that the procedure?”_

_“I believe so," answered Koushi. And after a short while, he added,_ _“please drop the -_ san _, nobody called me that formal,”_

_“Eh, really? I feel bad calling someone who has been independent longer than me with—”_

_“Please, drop the honorifics,” repeated_ _Koushi, and with full calculation, he tilted his head and smiled innocently, “then I can call you Daichi.”_

Because there’s no way I can call you by your surname _, he added to himself silently._

_The handsome face went red, and Koushi refused to break his eye contact. Daichi cleared his throat in the end, and gave him a short nod, “w-well … if you say so.”_

 

*

 

_… No, I think that it’s just a small lie …._

 

*

 

Three days could be so long.

And his life could be so tiring.

The sky outside the window was so blue, out of his reach.

Another hand, rough and dominant, pulled his reaching hand from the clear glass and slammed it back to the luxurious bed underneath. The grunt on his ear demanded his attention. A rather violent thrust left him gasped in pain, a reminder to whom he belonged in the moment.

There was a stranger’s hand caressing his back. There were kisses exchanged. There were sweats falling down. Fluids mixed into one. Names called. Moans shouted. Bitten marks left behind. And every time Koushi deceived his lover by whispering his name, he was repeatedly reminded about how deep he had sunk in the ocean. How it was impossible, for a mermaid to fall in love with a human.

“S-Sawamura-san ….”

_The one I chased and grabbed …._

“Sawamura-san ….”

_…. Is a cruel binary system._

 

*

 

The General’s possessive hand laid on Koushi’s bare chest as Koushi stared at his sleeping face. He was deep in his thought, studying the face’s structure closely. He wondered if he could find a trace of Daichi at the General’s face, a hint that could tell how close their blood could be. But he found nothing.

Koushi shifted his eyes the opposite direction. A photo frame, flipped so its front faced down to the nightstand, caught his eye. Wondering and praying that the general stayed asleep, he reached to the nightstand and took the photo frame, observing the monochromatic photograph beneath the glass.

It was a picture of the General with his family, probably taken years ago. The badge on his military uniform showed the rank of a colonel. A beautiful and dignified woman sat beside him, and—Koushi’s held his breath anxiously—the General put his hand on a shoulder of a young boy. No way he’s older than ten. And his face were too similar to—

“Little Crow, what have I said to you about touching my personal belonging?”

Koushi flinched, and quickly turned his attention back to his owner.

“You have such a beautiful wife, Sawamura-san,” Koushi’s smile was rather stiff, but he hoped it was enough to cover the real reason of his nervousness.

“You don’t need to flatter a dead woman, Little Crow. I know it’s my son you were looking at.”

The photo frame fell from his grip.

“Pardon me?”

“The chess board in your room at Yoshiwara. It was his. I brought it to him at the moment that photo was taken,” the General explained rather calmly, but it’s fueled Koushi’s fear even more instead.

The General gently took his trembling hand as he continued, “he’s been seeing you for the last 6 months, I know that too.”

“General, if I knew who he was—”

“Oh, you knew, Suga,” the General cut, “you’re bright enough to recognize that.”

“I didn’t do anything to him,” said Koushi, a bit too loud than he intended, “I didn’t … _touch_ him—”

“You’re wrong if you think I’m angry for that.”

“Sawamura-san—”

“You can sleep with whoever you want, but in the end, you’re still in my cage, Little Crow. We know that.”

That silenced Koushi, another reminder of the bound on his fins.

“But I can’t let you stay with him. Because you’re mine. And I can’t let my son befriends a courtesan.”

Koushi froze for a moment, but then he slowly nodded.

“You know what to do, right?” the General took the silence as a chance to softly patted his head, “now, go home, Little Crow. Take a rest. It’s been a long weekend, isn’t it?”

 

*

 

Two aides escorted him to the front door, where a car was parked and ready to bring him back to Tokyo. At the same time, another car had arrived at the large mansion. A servant hurriedly came to greet the guest, who came out from the passenger’s seat.

  
Then their eyes met; Koushi and Daichi.

  
***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know. I'm sorry for being such a jerk in this chapter, and you probably find this disgusting too.


	3. Chapter 3

Koushi held his breath as he saw a purple bruise near Daichi’s mouth when he visited him again in his room. It’s getting colder lately and Koushi had worn more layers to stay warm. But the silence Daichi had brought with him, and the unusual stoic expression on his face, somehow dropped the room’s temperature a few degrees more.

Breathed out the anxiety inside his chest, Koushi’s the one who tried to break the stiff air around them, “good eve—”

“You knew it.”

Koushi paused his greeting.

“You knew all along.”

He gulped nervously, “I have to speak nothing about my client, remember?”

“How much should I pay to make you stop seeing _him_?”

“Daichi—”

“You must be here because some sort of debt, right? I’ll pay it for you. Now.”

“Daichi, please—”

“I’ll support you, so please—”

“I already cleaned my debt, okay?” cut Koushi loudly, and the room went silence instantly, saved from the huffing of his breath and the flickers sound from the candle.

Daichi’s brows frowned, “what do you mean?”

“The debt has been paid off years ago.”

“Then … why are you still here?” Daichi’s voice trembled, and Koushi hated himself to be the cause of it.

He gripped the sleeve of his robe so hard, ignoring how it would crumple the high quality silky fabric. He couldn’t stop the tears as he answered helplessly.

“Because I don’t know what to do aside from ... _this_. I’m illiterate. I had been here for my whole life. I know nothing better... and ….”

“And?”

Koushi now spoke slower and lower, it’s almost like a whisper, “The General … might want me to stay here.”

Daichi snapped at the mention of that rank, “what does he has to d—” he stopped as a painful realization hit him as soon as the question lingered.

“… It’s my father. He’s the one who paid your debt to the brothel.”

Slowly, Koushi nodded, refused to make any eye contact. He didn’t want Daichi saw his face. He didn’t want to see Daichi’s pained face.

Sometimes even a voice wasn’t enough to be traded with a pair of legs.

“Now you know why this won’t ever work out. Please don’t see me again,” pleaded Koushi, tried to sound as light as possible, “promise me that this would be the last time. Live, and forget. Be well.”

“But you love me, right?” asked Daichi.

At first, he looked hesitant to answer. But finally Koushi nodded as he smiled wistfully, “I at least don’t want to lie to you about that one.”

Daichi bowed his head down in silence, then Koushi heard his voice whispered again.

“May I kiss you?”

Koushi needed to refuse, but a pair of dark brown eyes left him stunned again. And Daichi took the chance to steal a kiss from his lips.

 

*

 

A Prince’s kiss was indeed magical.

It started sad and painful, and gradually turned into passion and need. It couldn’t stop, and Koushi secretly wished it won’t. And then the time would freeze. And they’re trapped in this room forever.

The one stolen kiss led to another dozen of it. Each was granted with a touch of Daichi’s fingers on his skin, learning every crook and shape of his body one by one. They were no longer sitting, and Koushi couldn’t remember when was exactly Daichi had pinned him to the ground. There weren’t any words exchanged. The only sounds came from their heavy breath, moans, whimpers, the friction of their clothes, the arousing sucking sounds from Daichi’s lips, at the joint between Koushi’s neck and his shoulder—

“ _Daichi—aah!_ ”

Then Daichi stopped himself. Pulled his body from Koushi’s tangled limbs around him. He covered his mouth with the back of his hand, horrified. Below him, Koushi still whimpered from a particular rough bite just earlier.

“ _Shit_ —Suga, I’m sorry! I—"

“You shouldn’t stop.”

Daichi doubt the encouragement. Now after he set the lusty cloud aside from his head, he saw the bite marks from him as an ugly bruise on the beautiful pale skin.

“This is a bad idea.”

Koushi used his arm to leverage his body up, reaching for Daichi’s cheek, “it wasn’t hurt as much as you thought it was, you know.”

“It still leaves scars on you,” argued Daichi weakly.

“I don’t mind.”

“Suga, I don’t know _how ..._ —I’ll hurt you.”

Softly, Koushi moved his palm from Daichi’s cheek to his neck. Gently pulled him back towards him.

“You won’t.”

He made sure that Daichi’s eyes never left his.

“And if somehow you find it difficult … I’ll guide you …” he whispered, “… slowly.”

As if hypnotized by the sweet words, Daichi let Koushi pulled his hands to his slender waist, a silent plead for an embrace. He eased Daichi’s fear with touches and kisses, encouraging him to move bolder, rougher—to own him. Meanwhile thin fingers loosening his tie, swiftly unbuttoned his vest. Daichi’s shirt soon followed, released him from the restraining fabric.

And then, Koushi whispered him a story.

“My mother was just a low courtesan. I didn’t know how she ended up here, but her debt was already impossible to be paid even if she worked every night to her death. That’s what people said about her,” he said between his breath, “rumor has it that she fell in love with a client and then she got me. She refused to abort me, but the client never came back. Then I was born here. She told my name to _okaa-san_. And that’s it. She’s dead right after that."

Daichi’s lips had moved again to his neck. His fingers gently rubbed Koushi’s nape, as if to calm him down.

“I didn’t know my birth date, or even the year. I don’t know how old I am. Nobody cares about that sort of thing here. So I grew up like that. I started to work as a waiter, learning how this business worked. And then when okaa-san thought I maybe had hit adolescent ….”

Koushi paused as he bit his lips, held back his whimper. The long lick Daichi made at the center of his neck was extremely pleasant. The tightened grip on Daichi’s collar signalled him that he was allowed to repeat. But Daichi preferred to move further down instead.

“W-well,” Koushi stuttered, overwhelmed by the arousing sensation caused by Daichi’s lips, deliberately skipping a few details of how he started his job, “that’s how it started— _aaah, Daichi_ —” he moaned as he felt Daichi’s lips brushed against his nipple, “and then, few years later, I met the General.”

Daichi didn’t sure how long the time had passed. Did he progress to slow? Did Koushi felt bored yet? He didn’t know how long people usually took to make love with their partner. There were a lot of his firsts just happened now. It felt like a shame to rush; Koushi was too beautiful, for every mewls he made at the back of his throat, every time he closed his eyes and moaned in pleasure, the way his face reddened, slender back sensually arched, limbs stiffened, fingers gripped hard on his hair .... Every time Daichi saw the hazy lust on Koushi’s light brown eyes, there was an ugly greed of wanted to see more, to mark the ivory skin more, brought him more inseparable pain and pleasure, to see how wrecked he would be at the end.

“And then …?” Daichi asked for the first time, hands started making its way to Koushi’s half hard length, still hidden under the now messy robe.

“ _Aahn_ —h-he’s infatuated with my other persona—ahh ...!“ Koushi gasped his breath, at the delicious touch on his private part. The hazy lust in his eyes started turned into a greedy amber from wants and needs.

“What …?”

“The witty and naughty one. He called me the Little Crow for that.”

“And he paid your debt,” whispered Daichi bitterly before he sealed another deep kiss, letting Koushi to take the lead.

“ _Ahh_ … he became my patron. With an agreement.”

“What is it?”

Koushi kissed him on his forehead, “I wanted to stay free. He became my priority. But that’s all. He somehow agreed with that. And I used to fine with that settlement, I was naïve.”

Daichi’s stroke on him started to pick up a faster pace, “you felt guilty.”

The heavy sigh from Koushi became a sign that the guess was true, “no wonder it was so easy. Now I feel indebted to another— _aaah!”_

The story was cut from a loud gasp and a jolt under his body. And Daichi let go of his teeth from Koushi’s thigh. The sight of Koushi—breathed heavily under him, legs spread with one of them laid on Daichi’s shoulder, luxurious _kimono_ dropped to his arm, bruised with dozens of bite marks all over his body, all because of him—had woken up an unknown desire, knotted below his stomach. Possessing Koushi, owning him, had never been this tempting.

Daichi snapped himself out of the thought and apologized sincerely, “sorry—I didn’t mean to bite you that hard.”

But Koushi shook his head instead, didn’t mind the pain at all. Instead, Koushi licked his own fingers, wetting them with his own saliva, then moved them passed Daichi’s hand and his hard on. He moaned louder as he inserted a finger to his arse. A familiar burnt creeped at the opening, a signal for Koushi to closed his eyes and take a long breath, forcing his muscles to relax.

A moment later, Koushi felt another finger followed beneath him—bigger and rougher than his, irked him to take a look down to his groin.

It was Daichi.

Koushi stopped moving.

Daichi took the chance to ask for his conscience, “may I?”

He nodded, and took his finger out, letting Daichi insert another one of his. Koushi guided him how to move; preparing, loosening, and stretching. There was hesitation followed for every instruction given, and Daichi kept looking at Koushi’s face, to find any sign of discomfort despite he found none. He tried to give more pleasure to the hardened length at the front, which now slicked with precum, wishing it’s somehow enough to ease the burning pain at the back side.

At the time when Daichi had gained more control and insight of what he should do, the uncomfortable tightness around his fingers started to fade. Koushi’s pained hiss gradually turned into soft mewls and moans once again, directly arousing Daichi even more. He wondered how it would feel if the velvety wall around his fingers clenching on his length just like this ....

And finally at some experimental push against a spot at the upper wall, Koushi howled out of sudden, back arched and cock twitched in Daichi’s grip.

“ _aah!_ T-there! Don’t stop …!” he gasped.

So Daichi continued, groaning lowly himself as his eyes consumed the mesmerizing sight of Koushi writing under his touch. Koushi’s breathless moans went straight to the groin inside his pants, harder than ever. He couldn’t stop pleasuring his lover, even when Koushi started to call his name and begged him to _stop, it’s too close_ ….

Not for long, Koushi’s body jolted wildly, pulling the sheet under him as he came hard to Daichi’s hand, howling the pleasure he felt at every inch of his body.

Daichi couldn’t take his eyes away, frozen in place as he craved it into his mind; the way every muscles of Koushi stiffened beautifully, before they went limp, satisfied, as the climax went down.

It was Koushi’s call who brought him back to present.

“Daichi …?”

“Uhm … yes? Sorry, I’ll help to clean you out.”

He was about to get some cloth from the drawer at the corner of the room when Koushi’s hand stopped him from leaving.

“Yes, Suga?”

“Don’t stop,” answered Koushi, “I want you inside me.”

The invitation was tempting, but Daichi was too kind to push Koushi further. He smiled, hands stroking the damp grey hair to coax Koushi to sleep.

“You’re tired and need to rest, Suga.”

“The General has warned me to not seeing you anymore. And I know you can’t rebel against your family,” Koushi whispered, didn’t even try to cover the sadness in his voice. His hand gently touched the bruise near Daichi’s mouth with pained expression, “it hurts, right?”

Daichi pulled down Koushi’s hand from his bruised face, sighed helplessly, “I can’t treat you the same way your clients did.”

“It’s difference, Daichi,” Koushi said, using his arm to leverage his upper body to press their forehead together, “because I love you so much. And no matter what you do, it won’t hurt me.”

“I love you too,” replied Daichi, “but—"

_I just wanted an “excuse”, my prince._

“ _Ssh_ ,” Koushi hushed him, and then he whispered, “then please, leave me with good memories.”

_Miracles, my voice, or even a magical kiss—I don’t need any of it._

Koushi tangled him in a kiss again, and Daichi tried to ignore the single drop of tear fallen between their cheeks.

 

*

 

It was hard at first, seeing Koushi clenched his teeth as he slowly pushed his girth to the deepest part of him. Daichi wanted to pull out, he wanted to caress him and apologize for the pain he inflicted, for how he hurted him despite he didn’t want to.

And yet, Koushi forced him to continue, pounded his own hips to meet Daichi went he hesitated to. The pleasure took their breath away, and Daichi knew he wouldn’t able to stop now, because seeing Koushi closing his eyes in pleasure under him, moaning his name in breathless gasp, was too much to bear. Rough pounding had turned into a dance, moans and groans became melodic tune, and the room, an abyss that caged Koushi, had become his heaven.

The clawing fingers on Daichi’s back revealed how close Koushi to come again. He thrusted faster and rougher, letting himself losing control.

“Fuck, _Koushi_ —” Daichi growled possessively—didn’t realize the name was slipped out of his mouth. The walls around him clenched even tighter.

So close.

“Koushi … Koushi … aah—”

“Daichi—don’t stop ...!  _H_ _nnggh_ —ahh! P-please—”

_It’s almost … just almost, a little bit more …._

Daichi groaned, louder and louder. And at last, the tightened knot in his stomach burst. He hugged Koushi tightly, trying to tell how much he loved him with every inch of their skin that touched, as he pounded and filled him up. With that, Koushi came hard as he cried his name. He arched his back, head thrown back in pleasure. All the muscles in his body stiffened. Shot after shot of his semen spurted between their chests.

And Daichi fell in love all over again.

 

*

 

Morning came with neither of them fell asleep even for a second.

Daichi wore his clothes again one by one in silence. Behind him, Koushi laid down on the _futon_ , playing chess mindlessly. His fingers moved the pieces slowly and gloomy. Both felt heavy to look at each other, let alone talk. But somehow Daichi found himself knelt down in front of Koushi, studying the sad and weary face for the last time.

He actually wanted Koushi to look happy for the last time, but a smile seemed like too much to ask for a heavy heart.

“Koushi ….”

“Daichi ….”

Both called each other at the same time and hesitated to continue at first, but Daichi realized their time was up, and he didn’t want to spend another second just being petrified like this.

“You first,” offered Daichi, and Koushi nodded.

“Please live well,” said Koushi, his voice was so weak it almost sounded like a whisper, “and eat well. Don’t visit any brothel, or got infatuated by courtesans anymore. Be healthy, and strong so you can have a long life,” Koushi’s voice started to tremble, but he didn’t cry. Yet Daichi felt like each syllables came out from Koushi’s mouth slashed his chest like a dagger, “and one day, when you’re old and retired with a dozen grandchildren ….”

Koushi bit his lip, and then he smiled sadly, concealing his pained face poorly, “… I hope you somehow still remember about my name.”

Daichi sighed and nodded weakly, then he took turn to spoke his parting words, “and you too—”

He said each lines slowly and clearly, as if to make sure that Koushi won’t forget anything.

“—Please live well,”

“Eat well,”

“Stay healthy,”

“Take care of yourself,”

“And … please keep learning how to write and read ….”

“… So you can read a lot of books, get even smarter and literated enough to get a job out of here ….”

“… So you can live a long life too.”

Daichi let out a heavy sigh,“ and no matter what, please remember that I’ll always pray for your happiness.”

And then he got up, walked his way out of the room, eyes never leaving Koushi even when he slid the door to close. The low tap sound as it’s closed echoed loudly in the room. Daichi left without taking back his chess. Or the picture book of _Den Lille Havrue_. Or any books Daichi ever brought to him so he could learn to read them. Or their small pill of notes. They were Daichi’s silent plea for Koushi to remember him.

Koushi slid his fingers on the chess board softly, illuminated by the clear morning ray, where their touch was once lingered.

The little mermaid cried ….

And cried ….

And cried ….

But still no sound left his lips.

 

*

 

Moving on was rather easy, for the most parts.

Koushi tried to laugh a little too hard. Worked a little too busy. Drank a little too full. Seduced his clients a little too much. He came back to the life without Daichi.  
Or maybe it’s more precise to say that he tried hard, to come back to the life without Daichi. For the most parts it was easy. But there were also parts on his day where he wasn’t busy enough distract his thought, and those times were hard.

He wondered about the name of the stars and its origin from his window, wondered about the foreigners who now came to the brothel more often and about their origins, wondered how snow poured down from the sky. Koushi wondered how he managed to live such a dull life before. Now after a taste of wonder from Daichi, it’s hard to go back. He’s longing again, for that small taste of happiness.

The waitresses in the brothel whispered about how Daichi came for a few times at first. But it seemed like the General had paid his _okaa-san_ a big sum of money, so he wasn’t allowed to enter anymore. That was the last time he heard about Daichi. And then there’s nothing. The brothel easily forgot their quitted regular and focus to those who were still spending. Especially as their customers gradually subsided because of the war.

They said the war was getting closer to the land and for once the atmosphere felt so real. Men got drafted, leaving their wife and family. Even the topic could be heard around the escapist illusion of Yoshiwara. And then, dull and gloomy just like that, hours turned to days which turned to weeks and then months, and finally season had turned colder and whiter.

At the last drop of dead leaf from the branch outside the window, Koushi felt tired from longing.

 

*

 

Of days where the hours seemed too long from his painful yearning, times had passed and Koushi found himself counting days before another new year in the General’s embrace again.

“This place seems a bit empty, these days.”

“And who’s fault is that,” Koushi fake a pout, as he poured _sake_ to the VIP, “you practically drafted almost all men in the country to the front line. Of course we ran out of customers.”

“Just see it as my way to eliminate competitors to meet you, Little Crow.”

Remarks like that needed to be rewarded with a smirk, and Koushi sent him one, “you always know how to subtly flatter me, Sawamura-san.”

“And you always know how to play your reaction.”

“That flatters me too,” replied Koushi lightly.

The General gave him a satisfied look for the battered comments, “this is why you’re my favorite,” then he moved to another topic, pointed out the old chess board on the short-legged desk at the corner, “we rarely meet here, and I see that you still have the chess board with you.”

Koushi chose his words carefully for his next answer, “aren’t I at least allowed to save a souvenir?”

The General chuckled, “don’t be so tense, Little Crow, I just wonder how good you play it.”

“I don’t know. I only play against myself lately.”

“How about we test it, then?” Asked The General, the question wasn’t just an offer but actually an order, “let’s have a bet to make it even more interesting, shall we? What is your idea, Little Crow?”

Koushi smirked playfully, “hmm ... let’s see ... for every pieces you win for me, I’ll strip off what I wear.”

The General laughed, “you always know how to stir the game.”

“So we have a deal?”

“Not yet. What if I win, Little Crow? And what if I lose?”

“I’ll go for whatever you want, Sawamura-san.”

The answer came with a chuckle, “if I win, I want you to come with me, and stay as mine.”

Koushi nodded and sighed, “how tempting.”

“And what do you want if you win, Suga?”

“Depends on what you can offer, Sawamura-san.”

“You take me too lightly, Little Crow. It’s _anything_ , even if it’s the one you _want_ the most.”

The smile on Koushi’s face faded quickly.

“Ah, for once I finally see you losing your composure. Should I thank my son for that?”

Koushi quickly collected himself again, despite his lips trembled when he asked about the offer, “what if I really bet for _him_?”

“Then I just need to make sure that you’re not going to win.”

Koushi’s heart pounded heart inside his chest, seeking what was hidden beneath the generosity.

 

*

 

The game ended with a draw.

It agonized Koushi of how frustrated he felt for the result. Yet he only smiled it away, coaxing the disappointment with sweet words, fingers softly playing with the General’s hair. Koushi repeatedly reminded himself that no matter what, he had a job to be done; tricking his clients that they were his most adored lover.

“You’re a great tactician, Sawamura-san.”

The General’s smile was a satisfied one pand he pulled Koushi to his embrace, undoing the _obi_ which held the _kimono_ he wore. Once it fell to the floor, the robe came undone.

“So what is your wish, Little Crow?” He asked, with hands roaming over Koushi’s body.

“But I thought I didn’t win?”

“And you’re not losing either.”

Koushi chuckled. What kind of game the General played with him actually …?

“You do love to pamper me a lot, Sawamura-san. I’m amused.”

“I know you’re testing the water, Dear. I’m not backing down my words. What do you want?”

Freedom suddenly just an inch away from his reach, and legs was offered to replace his chained fins in silver platter. And Koushi shuddered at the thought of how close he was. Heart thumping, lips trembling, Koushi had dreamed about this moment a thousand times, and it finally came. He could be free from the abyss.

And yet, the words were only hanging there at the tip of his tongue without he could let it out.

“Suga?”

“I …” with hanged sentence, Koushi went silence again.

_I want freedom._

_I want Daichi._

_I want to live a life where I’m not a courtesan._

_I want a life outside the Yoshiwara._

_I want a life of Sugawara Koushi._

_But can I live it?_

_I barely literate._

_And I’m still a former-courtesan._

_What if I don’t belong anywhere but the ocean?_

“I want your embrace, of course, Sawamura-san,” Koushi said instead, let the freedom slipped out of his grasp.

The General pulled him into his arm.

_Held down by an invisible chain._

Koushi closed his eyes and let his client do whatever they wanted.

_Too filthy to leave._

 

*

 

“For the first time, my son challenged me to play chess against him,” the General said, hand slowly rubbing Koushi’s cheeks in circular mention while Koushi tried to hide how he held his breath for the news, “always such a fool, he is. I taught him how to play, and since then never once he won against me. Not only that, he also dare to give me a condition to be fulfilled.”

Koushi’s chest thumped louder.

“He bets for you to be freed.”

The General chuckled, “he’s indeed my son. He must be thought that if he couldn’t have you, then no one should.”

“A … and?” whispered Koushi.

“He still lost, of course,” answered the General with unreadable expression, and then he continued, “but I respect his courage. So I promised to propose the same bet for you. And if somehow you win and wished for the same thing, I’ll grand it for you.”

“You’re not playing fair, Sawamura-san,” Koushi said, all of his personas, masks, and images, be damned as he spoke cynical and coldly, “you make me bet without knowing the condition. That is low.”

It should be enough to grand him a slap if he was with another customer. But Koushi knew it won’t happen now.

The General sighed heavily instead.

“That’s why I ask you once again, now,” he said, “what _did_ you want as the bet, Little Crow?”

For once of many years since Koushi ever knew him, he looked tired and spent; from years of yearning for Koushi’s heart to be his, a wish that could never be granted with paying for his time nor his body. And Koushi understood the agony of yearning. He knew the sadness when only one could see a rainbow glittering above the other between two.

Koushi took a breath and opened his mouth to plead.

 

*

 

_“Please, let me go ….”_

 

*

 

Koushi met The General again in his room a few weeks later with a bitter smile on his face.

“And here I thought the last would really be the last,” the older man said, between amuse and pity, “You wanted to fly away and I opened the cage for you, didn’t I?”

“You did.”

“And yet, you still stay.”

The General’s thin smile was full of satisfaction for his next words, “now you must understand why you’re mine.”

As they embraced again that night, Koushi realized that he wasn’t chained after all.

He smithed the chain on his own.

 

  
***


	4. Chapter 4

**1943, SUMMER**

They said it was a bad year for business.

The war atmosphere thickened even more lately. People said that it went bad and they started losing. Teahouses, which used to be full of soldiers feasting for their wins a year ago, didn’t look as lively nowadays. What used to be alluring festive nights turned into just a short break from reality. They said the war had gone too long and the economy started to fall. Smaller teahouses and brothels had closed down, and Yoshiwara got emptier week by week; night entertainment the street offered now viewed as an unnecessary spending in this bad time. These were enough to explain Koushi for the long absence of _his_ General.

And then, at those quiet days, suddenly the door to his room slid open and waitress woke him up early at the morning, all in hurried.

“ _W-whatissit_?” Answered Koushi groggily, still refused to open his eyes.

“Someone wants to meet you, right now.”

“A client?” Mumbled Koushi in a clear annoyed tone, “does he know what time is it?”

“Yes, he is. But he requested to be accompanied by yiu for this whole day.”

“Kick him out and tell him that’s he crazy.”

“I can’t, he already paid _okaa-san_ in advance, and she told me to wake you up.”

Koushi went silence for five seconds before woke up with an annoyed groan, “really?”

“Please hurry up, Suga-san.”

“Even if you told me that, it took time to get ready,” protested Koushi, “what kind of sick pervert wanted to be accompanied by a _kagema_ at seven in the morning? damn it.”

“The client said he won’t mind even if you come with whatever you wear right now, so please hurry up and meet him at the door.”

Koushi stared at the waitress in disbelief. He really needed to talk about his work condition with the brothel’s owner once again. Not even a high-ranked _oiran_ ever treated like this, and despite he’s not an _oiran_ , he could be at least considered to be treated like one with how much profit he brought to this brothel. Grumbling, Koushi at least tried to tidy up his _yukata_ and wore another outer layer to make him a bit presentable, though he doubted it worked. Even the most beautiful courtesan in Yoshiwara would look awful in the morning after a night full of party and drink.

Koushi arrived at the door and had prepared cute scowl lines to this crazy customer when he froze on his place once he saw who the client was.

Sawamura Daichi waited for him there outside the door. And Koushi felt like he had just witnessed a rainbow bloomed in the sky. It reminded him of how much it hurted to miss him, how painful it was to hold back the bitter longing.

“Daichi ….” Koushi called him weakly, tongue suddenly felt liked made by jelly.

Daichi turned around, and gave him the most handsome smile Koushi ever saw, “good morning, Koushi. Sorry to bother you so early in the morning.”

Koushi opened his mouth but there was no sound came out. He closed it down and gulped all the stutters and tried to speak again. And yet he still stuttering, “w-what are you …? H-how do you …?”—then he felt mad at him somehow and he didn’t stutter for that, “if you want to meet me, can you please wait until it’s night? I just sleep for two hours and the waitress don’t even let me to wash my face! And you’re just standing there, pretending to be cool and charming, and only say _hi_?!”

“I already said I’m sorry, didn’t I?”

“And you think it’s enough?” Yelled Koushi, chest moving as he lost his breath.

Meanwhile Daichi scratched his cheek and shifted his gaze to avoid Koushi’s angry stare.

“I’m sorry for that. But you’re still pretty, you know,” said Daichi with apologetic expression.

“Flattering me won’t work.”

“You know I’m bad at flattering words. I’m just being honest, Koushi,” replied Daichi gently, didn’t seem affected by Koushi’s anger at all, “and our time is kinda short, so let’s go.”

Koushi sighed, “you have me all day to midnight, Daichi.”

“I’m afraid it won’t even enough for me,” said Daichi with a smile. He offered his hand to Koushi, “let’s go. I’ll explain everything to you, promise.”

“Unbelieveable,” huffed Koushi with scowling face, but he took the escort offer and let Daichi dragged him to anywhere he wanted to go. He had forgotten of how big and caring the palm was, and Koushi felt like his fins transformed into legs by magic once more, and he was taught to walk, run, and dance by the prince charming.

 

*

 

The very understanding Daichi brought him to a hotel room near Asakusa first, because Koushi clearly stated to him (while pouting) that he didn’t want to go anywhere without washing his face first. Daichi complied without complaints, because it doesn’t an everyday thing to find Koushi sulky like this. It’s cute. And now they chatted in the same room, with Koushi hidden behind a partition as Daichi provided him changing clothes.

“So … “ Koushi started, somehow he felt awkward now after realizing that this was the first time they met after eight months, and actually, they _shouldn’t_ , “how can you meet me? Why they let you meet me?”

“My father had been very busy, he’s somewhere in the South-east Pacific Ocean right now, actually. He’ll stay for a long time there. And even if his watchmen see me then report me to him … I can deal with it later,” explained Daichi.

He sounded calm and relax, but Koushi remembered the purple bruise near his mouth eight months ago, and he frowned, “ _okaa-san_ won’t make it easy for you just like that.”

“I told her that I won’t meet you inside her area, and you just happened to be strolling around in the morning and meet me somehow. My father only asked her to not letting me visit you in the brothel anymore. With those conditions, I don’t visit you in the brothel at all.”

Koushi chuckled, “I believe she won’t buy that, smartass.”

“She won’t at first, but money is a universal sealed agreement. Her business must be very slow lately, she accepted it right away.”

“You bribe her,” repeated Koushi, “on top of paying to have me for a whole day.”

“It’s a small price to pay compared to you.”

Daichi was indeed bad for flattering words, but he’s so damn honest and straight that Koushi would find it hard to look at him in the eyes after hearing those. It was good there was a partition between them. Koushi still wanted to make Daichi apologized for disturbing his beauty sleep, and blushing so hard to his neck won’t support that image.

Daichi continued, “and besides—”

But the words were lost to somewhere as Koushi came out from behind the partition. He hung up his usual traditional attire and appeared with a whole set of grey tailored western suit, minus the tie. Daichi wished his enlarged cornea won’t be so noticeable as he gobbled up the somehow alluring sight in front of him—never once he would think that a suit could be so ….

… _Sexy_.

Even Daichi felt embarrassed at that sudden thought, once his glance arrived at the delicious way the pants hugging Koushi’s skinny legs. On this state, he might be dead right away once Koushi turned around and accidentally showed Daichi how the pants looked at the back side.

“ _’And besides’_ …?” Repeated Koushi as a question.

“I … it’s just … —I mean—” Daichi didn’t know why he was stuttering, so he cleared his throat before answered, “you look _amazing_. I forgot what I want to say.”

Sadly, Koushi had a different opinion.

“I must look weird.”

“No, you don’t,” answered Daichi, tried to not sound like a breathless, sighing, creep.

“I think it’s too tight.”

“No, it’s the right size.”

“The fabric pressed against me every time I move.”

“What a lucky fabric.”

Koushi’s eyes narrowed, “excuse me?”

Daichi finally got a hold to himself and he coughed to correct his kudos, “it suits you, I mean.”

“But I feel like—” Koushi stared down to look at himself, lifted his feet on its ankle to get a better look of his polished, black, leather shoes, and then turned around left and right to see how he looked at the back. And Daichi thought the pants were indeed looked very nice on his bottom, “— _naked_. I wear three layered of clothes and it feels like people can see my body.”

“You’ll get used to it, it’s easier to move around.”

“Seriously, Daichi, it’s _tight_ ,” complained Koushi nonetheless, “and how to wear the tie, really?”

Daichi helped him to finish his looks by folding the red tie between the shirt’s collar, then he called the room service to help him styled Koushi’s hair. The soft grey locks now combed messily to the back—letting his usually more hidden forehead to be shown. The left part was tucked neatly behind his ear, while the right part fell to the front effortlessly good.

Like this, Koushi looked just like any young heir from a high class merchant family. Daichi gulped down his nervousness from the sudden difference of air around Koushi. Then Koushi glanced back at him, and he grinned widely, somehow gained more confidence from the finished look. And Daichi wanted to kiss him so much.

“Do I look like a son of Imperial Army’s officers, too?”

It felt like his tongue was just petrified itself, so Daichi only nodded dumbfoundedly.

“This is kinda cool.”

 

*

 

Their first schedule was supposed to be strolling around Asakusa’s southern area to grab a breakfast at the street vendors, but it was forgotten soon at quarter past eight when Daichi founded himself still on the hotel’s bed. No words exchanged but moans, whimpers, and breaths as he tied his tongue with Koushi. The outer grey suit Koushi still wore just five minutes ago were now detached on the floor, left him with the vest and shirt, both unbuttoned and dropped at one of his shoulder. Daichi was now working on the zipper of the pants.

Koushi probably needed to appreciate his lover’s effort to undress him as minimal as possible, left just enough skin to be explored and adored.

“You’re undressing me just when I finished buttoned all of these,” stated Koushi breathlessly, his complaints lost its power with how aroused he looked.

“I won’t undress you much,” promised Daichi to the center line of his stomach, just liked the way Koushi sounded as he nibbed the skin under his navel, “and I’ll help you wear them again.”

“You and your weird fetish— _aaah!_ ” Koushi let out a high-pitched moan at the feeling of Daichi’s fingers inside him, and the next words came in whimper, “the suit will get wrinkled ….”

“I’ll send the driver to buy you a new one.”

At the time where Koushi finally placed himself on top of Daichi, riding his length as Daichi’s eyes devoured the sight. He only left with the white shirt dropped to his elbow, wrinkled and plastered to his skin from his dripping sweats. Koushi didn’t complain about this somehow—or maybe he couldn’t, because he had turned into a moaning mess for the last forty minutes, melted under Daichi’s touch … and drowned so deep in pleasure.

 

*

 

They ended up with a brunch in the hotel room at eleven instead, because Koushi fell asleep right away after they finished the impromptu love making, and didn’t open his eyes until half past ten. Daichi kept his promised and there was another set of expensive, tailored suit on the bed when he woke up, it was still in the shade of grey but much lighter, almost as light as his hair. Instead of long, red tie, Daichi pick a simpler, tinier string of black ribbon to be knotted at the center of the collar. Then a maid from the hotel’s room service entered and fixed his hair again.

The effect of the suit was hilarious and a little bit worrying, actually; because once Daichi came back to bring him a tray of late breakfast for two, he put the tray right away and hugged Koushi tightly, seemed like ready to push him to the bed again anytime soon.

“When will you get over this, honestly?”

“Another set of red one might suit you too.”

Koushi laughed and pushed Daichi away—a bit too hard to make an effect, there was a big difference between their muscle mass, “what’s wrong with you and all these gifts?”

“Is it wrong to pamper my boyfriend once in a while?”

“You can just meet me again in the room and teach me about stars and I’ll be very happy about it.”

Yet Daichi looked sad for that instead, “you shouldn’t be satisfied with that. I barely do anything.”

“But you did _everything_ ,” cut Koushi instead, and while a bit hesitating, he continued, “I’m just … not brave enough to be _more_ even after all of them.”

Daichi wondered of what and why, and Koushi continued with a sad, apologetic smile, “It’s been 8 months and you still found me living my life in the brothel when I got a hundred chances to leave, I’m sorry.”

Daichi let their forehead met and hushed Koushi with short peck on his lips, “I can’t expect you to just leave the life you had been living all this time.”

“But I have a promise.”

“You have all the time in the world to learn to walk on your feet by yourself,” said Daichi wisely, “if you just do it out of regret from promising me, or pushing yourself when you’re not ready, I doubt it will make you happy. Please don’t be too hard on yourself.”

Koushi sighed and nodded weakly, still seemed busy with his doubts. Daichi decided to lighten up the mood by squeezing Koushi’s cheeks playfully, “let’s forget it and eat okay? I don’t want to drag you here only to make you sad.”

 

*

 

Just like the Yoshiwara at the northern part Asakusa; across the moat that became Yoshiwara’s border and containment, the southern Asakusa didn’t look as busy and crowded as usual. It was full of people, but the atmosphere seemed more gloomy and monotone. There are only a few _geishas_ strolling on the street when there used to be dozens. Some of Koushi’s favorite shops were closed, and soon found out that some of them couldn’t find enough supply to sell, or the owner had drafted by the Imperial Army to the Pacific War. Furthermore, the business had been bad enough with people rather chose to save up and buy only the necessary foods to be stocked. The newspaper vendors shouted out for a gloomy headline about recent military regulation for the citizens.

“The view becomes so much different in just a few months,” commented Koushi as they walked around. Daichi had bought shaved ice from the nearby vendor for two; Koushi chose the sour and fresh lemon and melon syrup, while Daichi picked chocolate sauce. Both cringed when they tasted each other.

“So sour …” said Daichi with cringed face.

“Too sweet …” complained Koushi at the same time.

Then both decided to focus on their own beverages.

There were new posters plastered on the walls around the street; the Imperial called young men to join the Imperial Army, and the women were needed to prepare rations for the soldiers. Time to serve the great homeland and brought it to its glory.

“Aren’t we losing …? Hey, Dai—” Koushi turned his head to Daichi, words forgotten when he saw him took one of the pamphlet and read it with solemn expression. Koushi frowned, “you don’t think of joining the Imperial Army, do you …?”

Daichi put down the flyer and signalled Koushi to continue their sightseeing, although there weren’t much to see in Asakusa during war time like this.

“It’s not something I can choose to do or not to do,” explained Daichi, “if they called me, I have to go.”

“I wish they won’t ever call you,” said Koushi bluntly. He seemed wondering about something as he asked, “can you … make your way out of this. You’re the only son in your family … and your father has a huge influence, right?”

Daichi burst out laughing for that, as he pierced the shaved-ice with the spoon and scooped it into his mouth, “you just proposed me to do nepotism and collusion, you know that?”

Koushi knotted his eyebrow innocently—or tried to look like one maybe, “what’s wrong? Everybody’s with political influence did that.”

“I thought you speak nothing about your client?” Asked Daichi.

“I don’t mention specific name,” was Koushi’s defensive response, “and you just bribed your way to meet me, that’s just as illegal.”

“I have my family honor in the line. It won’t be that easy,” answered Daichi, a bit more serious, “and my honor, too. Probably most of that.”

“I know. You come from a military background, it’s in your blood. And you’re a fool man like that,” commented Koushi in a dramatic sigh, “you’re the type who will serve a king to your death when they won’t even notice your name.”

“And I guess you’re the type who will oppose the government and criticized them for the war?” Daichi chuckled, turned his head to Koushi who took the last bite of his shaved-ice.

“If I could, I would,” Koushi nodded rather enthusiastically, eyes twinkling to Daichi, “especially to save a handsome young man from dying in vain.”

Daichi’s pleasant airy laughter could be heard again, and Koushi at first thought he won the batter, before Daichi replied again. It’s not a smartass, logical, argument, but a sincere and blunt personal opinion.

“If serving the country can stop the war from striking my homeland— _from reaching you_ ,” he said with a gentle smile, “it’s worth the try.”

Koushi seemed stunned for a moment, mouth a bit gapped, foot stopped making new steps on the pavement.

“… How come you said something so embarrassing in the broad daylight,” muttered Koushi as he took his eyes away from the gross, sugar-induced, cavity-guaranteed, war-romanticizing declaration.

“Am I?” asked Daichi innocently.

“Yes, you are.”

“You seemed to like it, though.”

“I’m not.”

“Yes, you are.”

I’m not.”

 

*

 

It was a beautiful day. The sky was clear and so blue. The air was nice, though a bit humid from the early summer weather.

They toured around Asakusa park, sight-seeing and sharing their snack lunch with groups of sparrows and nightingales right in front of the pond. It’s not like Koushi knew much about birds, it was Daichi who taught him about Eurasian Tree Sparrows, Northern Pintail, Brown-eared Nightingale, and Japanese White-eye, while they were chirping and eating treats from Koushi’s cupped hands. He laughed from the hasty way the birds ate. And seeing Koushi surrounded by the small avians, smile as bright as the sun, eyes shrunk and wrinkled into a line, was as mesmerizing as seeing him in luxurious _kimono_ under the dim light.

Then they visit a small, old book store at the corner of Asakusa, where Daichi pointed him books after books and what they were all about; stars and each of their names, of the gods in eastern Europe and their mythologies, the lost continent at the bottom of the sea, of conquerors and inventors, martyrs and saints, everything that Koushi never knew before.

As the sky had gotten more orange rather than blue, they sat on the pillowy pouf chair in a famous western-themed café in Asakusa, playing chess and reading books that Daichi had bought from the bookstore at the previous visit. Freshly brewed _darjeeling_ and _earl grey_ served on the coffee table.

Koushi had knew Asakusa for his whole life, but this was the first time he ever saw the small entertainment district from a different window. He used to wonder how streets made from tired art performers, desperate  _geishas_ and weary _oirans_ could become an entertainment for those who visited the area. However, today he realized how walking through Asakusa as Sugawara Koushi, not the one who got presented inside golden cage to the spectators, was indeed entertaining.

Koushi also got a chance to learn a hundred things about Daichi which he never knew before. They got different definition about what taste was considered _delicious_. Daichi somehow enchanted by traditional music instruments and the sound it produced, and Koushi found himself in a new realm from whole new set of western instrument he never heard or saw before. He would never understand why Daichi preferred the sweet _d_ _arjeeling_ over the sourer _earl grey._ And the chocolate cake he ordered also probably would taste better with a hint of spicy. Daichi might could spend his entire day in the café, reading book in the exact same position for hours, but Koushi wanted to adventure Asakusa to the most corner they could find, if possible.

Nevertheless, the more differ they got, the more Koushi loved him. Because all of them never seemed to bother Daichi at all. He let Koushi ordered chili powder from the confused waiters and experimentally poured it to Daichi’s chocolate cake to taste how it would like. He let Koushi pushed him to taste the cake too despite the now-spicy flavor bit the taste buds on his tongue. He let Koushi dragged him anywhere and everywhere from street vendors to shady antique shop. He just laughed for Koushi wrong guess of the origin story of the trinkets and knicks-knacks inside the shop.

And when they sky poured down out of sudden, Daichi grabbed Koushi’s hand as they ran with their suit on top of their head, finally taking shelter in Asakusa International Theatre along with a dozen other pedestrians. There are couples and families, all groaned in disappointment from the sudden summer rain.

As the drops from the sky seemed like wouldn't fade away soon, Daichi asked Koushi to spend their evening in the theatre for Sanshiro Sugata. And just fifteen minutes in the theatre, both found themselves deeply immersed on Sanshiro’s monochromatic struggle to save himself from drowning in a swamp. They finished their popcorn even before the movie reached half its story, and both exchanged a silent sheepish laugh as their fingers tangled inside the popcorn bag, running through each other.

At the time where they finally walked out of the theatre—still totally dazed from the manly-tears-inducing ending scene of Sanshiro parting with Sayo at the train station, with a promise that he would be back for her—the night had fallen onto Tokyo’s summer sky. The rain had stopped and left shining puddles on the street, where lights from the lamp posts and Asakusa’s shops were reflected. Like a miniature of night sky with red and yellow stars.

The district had more crowds than it was at day, somehow. Wondering why, both Daichi and Koushi found the answer near Senso-ji Temple, where summer-festival stalls crowding the area, invited more goers to come near and had a look. Drum beats and strings became clearer and clearer in the air the closer they walked.

From the enthusiastic chats around them, there would be an early summer festival held in the temple. Parents, families, siblings, friends, and lovers prayed for the conscripted soldiers who got drafted to the war. A hundred fireworks would be lighted as celebration and good luck. No wonder there were hints of sad gloom around them.

“Do you want to go?” asked Daichi.

“Of course I am,” answered Koushi enthusiastically in a laugh, “it’s not every day I can visit a festival with you.”

Daichi smiled in agreement and offered his hand, but Koushi retreated with a low murmur, “we’re in public, Daichi.”

“Soon everybody will only look at the sky for the fireworks. And this is festival, they probably only assume that you don’t want to get lose among the crowds.”

Koushi let himself be tempted from the reasoning, and he took Daichi’s securing hand. Then Daichi escorted him through Senso-ji gate.

 

*

 

The wheezing sound from the first launch of the firework should had deafening enough for his ears, but the remorse whispers from Daichi echoed louder instead.

The smile, which never left Koushi’s face for the whole day, to the point he thought it would stay forever, now gone.

“… Wait, what?” Was Koushi’s first response, “what are you saying …?”

Because there’s always a chance that he might heard it wrong, or maybe it came from the conversation from another person near them. The temple was packed with civilians and newly-recruited soldiers, so Koushi believed he heard the wrong lines.

“I got drafted to the Imperial Army,” repeated Daichi, another colorful bloom from the fireworks shone on his sad eyes.

“You _volunteered_ …?” Asked Koushi in disbelief.

“It’s mandatory,” answered Daichi, trying his best to sound courageous, “soon, this would become a requirement for everyone, Koushi. As the son of Imperial Army's officers, I have to set an example.”

Koushi snorted a bitter laugh, “no way. No way I let you go like that. People got _killed_ in the front line, don’t you know that?"

Of course he knew, and that’s why his silence became his answer.

“Have they decided the date for you? When will—”

“It’s tomorrow.”

One loud wheeze and then a blast, ligthened above their face with bright green tint and the crowd held their breath for the astounding way the firework burst. Yet in the corner, Koushi was unaffected with the breath-taking sight and pointed his glare to Daichi’s dropped head.

“I’ll leave to the camp early in the morning.”

“And you just told me now.”

Daichi’s head dropped even lower, “I’m sorry. I don’t want you to feel sad today just for—”

“It’s not _just_ ,” Koushi cut, grief thickened in his voice quickly, and Daichi wondered whether he shouldn’t tell Koushi at all, and just left somewhere to die without any words left. Daichi only saw the top of Koushi’s head when his trembling voice let out a low mumble.

“Please don’t go.”

“Please … _please_ , don’t go.”

"Daichi ...."

Daichi pulled out Koushi’s face to meet his stare again, devastated to see a trail of droplet on his left cheek.

“I told you, didn’t I? if it can hold the war from reaching you, it’s worth the try.”

The kiss that came after that, left him a taste like sadness.

That was the last time he saw Sawamura Daichi.

 

***


	5. Chapter 5

**1948, SPRING**

  
“Suga-san! Yamato-san wants to challenge you on chess _again!_ ”

Koushi snorted a haughty laugh to the messenger; an infamous seven year-old rascal from unnamed orphanage in Hiroshima, named Tanaka Ryuunosuke, who grinned back mischievously. There are three other boys around him; Hinata Shouyou played with a paper plane on his lap, While Kageyama Tobio and Nishinoya Yuu competed against each other to climb his back. There were also four others around their age who were running around him with paper planes and crane _origami_  held up high in the air. It was a little chaotic; playing with children always was.

“Tell him I refuse,” answered Koushi, and all the children in the room dropped their shoulders together, couldn’t hide even for a slight how disappointed they were from Koushi’s answer. Kids were just adorable.

“And also tell _that old geezer_ to challenge me again only if he could win,” Koushi continued playfully. The children laughed instantly, satisfied with Koushi’s witty words. And Tanaka left the room, repeating the words carefully—especially _the old geezer_ —to be relayed for the challenger.

“Suga-san, you shouldn’t teach bad words to children,” scolded Yachi half-heartedly as she entered the room with new laundry ready to be folded.

“An old man who wanted to marry a youngster thrice his age is _an old geezer_. On top of that, I’m a guy, you know.”

“He was drunk that one time,” said Yachi helplessly, “he probably thought you’re a girl.”

“Trust me, he didn’t. I know it,” replied Koushi, “I know a shameless pervert when I meet one.”

Living in a brothel too long made him never knew how fun it was to be surrounded by kids. They’re full of energy, a big ball of happiness who were strong and courageous, and seemed tougher than the depressed adults who lost everything in the war. These war orphans had also lost everything, yet they still laughed and played with their peers with no fear of the future, and that taught Koushi to be strong too. They helped Koushi forgot for a short while about the past, or a name he didn’t want to remember, or how the war had burnt everything in the country to the point they had almost nothing left to eat for the last three years. Or how Koushi, Kiyoko or all the volunteering  _obaa-san_ in the orphanage still didn’t know how to feed thirty war orphans under their care tomorrow.

Nothing was gained from a war, and moreover a war they didn’t win. However, even the dreadful war brought a tiny little fortune to Koushi.

Asakusa got bombed three years ago, months before Japan announced their surrender in Tokyo Bay, and Koushi got a chance to leave _Suga_ behind during the bombing evacuation. Koushi didn’t need to wonder about the whereabouts of his General patron or any of his regular customers. Most of Imperial Army highest-ranked officers were sentenced to death, or imprisonment for at least two decades. And that piece of information was enough.

But it’s funny, anyway. Even after the chain around his fins was gone, the ocean didn’t turn easy to swim through. At first, Koushi thought that it was all because of his Yoshiwara life which maybe made him ignorant and unskilled. And then he realized that no one seemed able to get anything to eat or any job to work, too. He chose the wrong time to find a new life, it seemed, as it won’t even let him to lay down for a second to pity himself and cry.

Whether belonged to Yoshiwara or an unnamed orphanage in Hiroshima, Koushi learnt that life was never been easy. Nevertheless, at last, breathing now felt more like a relief rather than a burden to stay living.

A minute later, Tanaka came back, but now with a mix of confusion and worry in his face which Koushi didn’t really pay attention at first. He still grinned when he asked the kid, “so, what did he say?”

Tanaka frowned his eyebrow, “I don’t really understand. He seemed a bit angry. He said that you shouldn’t act all highty and mighty because he know where you _came_ from.”

Koushi's grin froze.

“I told him everybody know you’re from Tottori, but he said he _know_ better.”

Feeling how all eyes in the room stared on him, Koushi faked an airy laugh—a skill he felt grateful for still staying in him—before answered, “that’s why kids, you shouldn’t drink alcohol in broad daylight—actually, you shouldn’t drink alcohol at all. It's bad. Don't drink it until you're dead.”

It’s not really a lie, he meant. Koushi really _did_ came from Tottori before he went to Hiroshima. He just never told the orphanage that he was evacuated to a factory in Tottori after Tokyo bombing. He believed no one could start a new life if they stayed in a city where half of the society was their ex-clients. Yoshiwara probably thought he was dead by now or something; a quarter of a whole population in Japan did anyway.

And, most importantly, Koushi might not able to stand it; to live between places where he once enjoyed on the best day of his life with _that person._

“ _Nee, nee!_ Suga-san! How about your promise to teach me chess? Do you still remember it?” asked Hinata with his big, round eyes stared at Koushi cutely, probably got bored with the paper plane already.

“Of course! Let’s do it now! Go find my chess board in the drawer, please,” Koushi answered enthusiastically. The other kids around him immediately protested that _‘it’s unfair’_ and _‘we want to learn too!’_ and Koushi soon found himself moving pawns again on black and white tiles. More than a dozens of small, bright eyes watched him carefully as he tried to make his explanation—about which pieces could move to which tiles—as easy to understand as possible.

He ignored the fact that he actually only recited words he once heard before, by a handsome but weird young client, from a quiet night in _Suga’s_ room in Yoshiwara.

_“This one is the king. He can only moves to one tile around him.”_

_“The bishop moves diagonally, but he can’t leap over other pieces.”_

_“The queen can moves anywhere. But she can’t leap over other pieces too.”_

He wished there would come the day where he couldn’t recognize the voice anymore ….

“Suga-san, Suga-san!”

Koushi jerked to a loud call from Tanaka again, who entered the room with all eyes on him.

“What? Did Yamato-san come back again after finally remember another thing to say?” Asked Koushi, chuckled to himself flatly.

“No, this one whose looking for you looks rich!”

Koushi’s eyes widened and his heart skipped a beat.

“He said he came for someone named _Sugawara Koushi_ , I already said to him that we have no one with a name like that here but— _wait, Suga-san!_ ” Tanaka couldn’t finish his sentence as Koushi suddenly got up and ran to the front door. Tanaka quickly followed, and soon the other dozens of tiny steps tailed behind him too.

The hallway suddenly felt three times longer than it should, but Koushi arrived after ten seconds of half running to the _genkan_. Where a man, who wore a nicely-tailored western suit— Koushi held his breath for a while—stood there, waiting for him. Koushi stopped moving his feet and couldn’t help his dropped shoulder as soon as he saw how the man looked like in closer range. Both in posture and face structure, he was completely different from _Dai—that person._

“Pardon my intrusion, but are you Sugawara Koushi from Yoshiwara, Tokyo?”

“Who are you?” Answered Koushi with a question instead, letting his defensive tone out loud.

The man bowed down, “I’m sorry for my lack of courtesy. I’m Azumane Asahi, I was in the same team with Sawamura Daichi during his conscription in the Imperial Army.”

 

*

 

**1948, AUTUMN**

_‘It’s been six months …’_

Koushi thinks to himself as he rips the envelope open. It takes him six months to have the courage to open the letter. At first, even looking at how his name carefully crafted—it’s _that person’s_ handwriting for sure—on the now-muddy envelope, has left him overwhelmed with a thousand feelings of longing and sadness. Those were the times when Koushi realized how much Koushi misses _him._ So Koushi decides to put the letter at the bottom of his drawer, never opens it, and tries to forget it.

Until now, when it becomes more impossible to do.

_“I’m sorry for the terribly late delivery,” Asahi told him formally before, “it took time to get the permission to gather his belonging in the camp. You’ve changed address, and no one seemed unsure about where’d you go, Sugawara-san. But after I found this letter, I have to at least deliver it. This is the only letter between all of his things.”_

_Koushi couldn’t find the words to interrupt or ask, as he just stood at the_ genkan _with trembling lips._

_“Sawamura Daichi was a wonderful comrade. He is a honourable man who always helps his peers and put the others first. I’m proud to work with him even for a short while.”_

_Then Asahi handed him the worn-out, muddy envelope. Little did he knew that the receiver’s heart, was even wearier than the letter._

_“And ... what about him?” Asked Koushi finally._

_Asahi didn’t answer him right away as he arranged his words carefully, “he was drafted for a mission to Philippines, around April in 1945. That was the last time I saw him.”_

Then, as he pulls out the letter from the ripped envelope, Koushi hears two loud _clinks_ from something that made from metal, fallen to the wooden floor. He bows down to study the metal and frowns instead as he finds out that it is a set of gold ring, both are too loose to for his fingers.

_But if it was years ago, before the food was ransomed by Americans soldier, before the bomb was dropped all over the country, when he wasn’t as skinny as he is right now …._

Koushi’s heart beats twice faster. _If_ his estimation is right, one of this ring _might_ fit into his ring finger ….

Then Koushi holds his breath as he reads.

 

_To Sugawara Koushi,_

_If this letter somehow has arrived to you, then it means I might be dead already—_

 

Koushi pauses his eyes from reading further and let out a long heavy breath,

 

— _because I want to tell you all of these on my own, if I could._

 

_At the time when I write this, it’s been 2 months since the last time I met you. I keep wondering if that was the right thing to do, after all, to tell you about my conscription so terribly late. I guess it wasn’t. Because if I die in the front line, I want to remember your smiling and laughing face. And yet, I had made you cry, and that was what haunted me the most._

_You had live a life full of lies, and in the end, I lied to you too. I’m sorry._

_I know I have broken my promise to live a long, well, and healthy life for you. But I wish you can still keep yours. Live well. Eat well. Stay healthy. Take care of yourself. Live a long life outside Yoshiwara._

 

“ _’… And no matter what,’_ ” Koushi repeated the words Daichi once said to him, now written on the letter too, with a sad smile, “ _’please remember that I’ll always pray for your happiness’_.”

 

_I remember, in Asakusa, I kept wondering if I should tie you with the ring. I really wanted to. But then, once I left you for the Imperial Army, I might only burden you with empty promise when you could have a better future than waiting for me. This also haunted me with regret too._

_And that’s why I write this letter with the rings as the proof. I want to tell you again that I love you the most in this world, and my heart has been, and always, yours._

 

Koushi takes another glance to the golden rings on his palm, put the smaller one into his bony ring finger, seeing how the gold gleaming with broken promises and empty wishes.

 

_Our meetings where short, and I wish I can be with you longer. I wish I can take you to places further away than Asakusa. I wish I can teach you more about everything. I wish I can play another hundred chess matches with you. I wish I’m the one, who in the future, will make sure that you eat well and live well. I wish I can be in your future instead of merely words and memories. I wish we can have a life where our meeting will be longer, and the parting will be shorter._

_Because the time when I meet you, I feel like I've seen a rainbow._

_—Sawamura Daichi_.

 

Something dropped to the paper and left a wet spot. And then another one followed, then two others. For the first time after so many years, tears were running down from Koushi’s eyes again and they won't stop. There was pain in his chest. But there was also a big pang of relief that he didn’t really understand, too. It felt like the last tangled thread that tied his chest for what seemed like an eternity, had unraveled itself finally.

Koushi would need to explain his swollen red eyes later to Kiyoko and Yachi and the other _obaa-san_ in the orphanage. He might need to explain them sooner if they found him crying right now, actually. But it didn’t seem like a big deal.

Since for this moment only, Koushi wanted to cry out to his heart content, until there’s no more tears left in him. Because it felt like someone had patted his back, encouraging him to cry and telling him that it’s okay to feel sad and miserable for a while. So he could face the future with courage and smile.

_Because the time when I meet you, Daichi, I feel like I've seen a rainbow, too._

 

*

 

**1952, SPRING**

Polished black leather shoes from the long legs of a grey haired man steps out from the train to the pavement floor of the station. Heavy breath huffs out loudly to calm down his nervous system. The western-style, tailored grey suit the man wears looks a bit too classic for the fashion of this era, but it suits him nonetheless. His left hand holds a small, brown suitcase—a gold metal hugging the base of the ring finger, a short information to guess about his marital status. Yet still, some eyes can’t stop themselves from looking twice to the fine young man. He looks a bit awkward, as if this is the first time he visits Tokyo after a long time and doesn’t figure out the atmosphere yet. However, it’s obvious that he wins the title as the most handsome—or rather, _beautiful_ —person in the whole platform.

Everyone has agreed that he must be a young master from a rich family in his mid-twenties.

Or at least, Koushi’s appearance can deceive people about those two; his age, and his social status. The expensive suits probably can turn just any commoner to look like an aristocrat. Koushi doesn’t really sure about his actual age, but he believes that he's at least five or six years older than what people think he is. Because if they’re right, then Koushi must had started his _first_ job when he was around 2nd year of today’s elementary school. The thought itself is disturbing, and Koushi’s sure he wasn’t _that young_ when he served his first—

 _“Wow,”_ whispers Koushi as he exits the station, because Tokyo doesn’t look like a city that got bombed to ashes once. It feels like the war doesn’t even happen at all. It becomes a little hard to navigate himself to find Asakusa again with its new buildings and views. And despite Koushi once lives in Tokyo for more than twenty years, he decides to check the map and sign board once in a while just to make sure.

A short ride with tram takes Koushi to the Senso-ji temple, and Koushi lets himself get swarmed with a sense of nostalgia. Yet the feeling doesn’t last long, since the more he strolls around the ward, he realizes there’s nothing much to be remembered. The previous bombing in March left almost nothing from the Asakusa that Koushi knew—the one he walked around while laughing with Daichi in the past. Yoshiwara stays, somehow. So does the theatre where they once watched Sanshiro Sugata. But the shops and cafes and teahouses around the street were rebuilt. And all of them looks different— _feels_ different.

Finally, as Koushi finds out that there’s nothing left from Asakusa Park and it’s pond, or the birds he once feed while Daichi taught him the difference between each of them, Koushi thinks that maybe this whole renovation is how Asakusa telling Koushi to move one from the past. So he decides to continue his trip to the main reason why he visits Tokyo once again.

It takes years to get the information about _that place_ , but finally Koushi find it a few months ago. Then he saves up what little left from his salary as a waiter in _ramen_ restaurant for his trip from Hiroshima to Tokyo ever since.

Cherry blossom trees where blooming along his way, so Koushi knows he’s on the right direction. Not long after, tall wooden board and carved stones behind the wooden fence on his right side show him that he has arrived at his destination; a cemetery.

Koushi smiles his relieve of finally reaching one step closer to his aim, and he enters the cemetery. First he heads towards the temple to buy flowers and incense sticks, then borrowing a wooden tub and a ladle. The kind shrine maiden guides him to the nearest water tap to fill the wooden tub, although when she asks him which grave he wants to visit, Koushi has to smile politely with blurry answer of, “a long friend of mine.”

Then it takes him another fifteen minutes walking around the cemetery to find the grave he's looking for. Koushi almost misses it by an inch; turns out the grave is one of those who rarely get visits. The _Sawamura_ family name craved on the tomb stone was a little bit hidden under dust and dirts. It’s going to take a while to clean them, obviously. The thought brings him a memory from his past, of the time where he saw a photograph of Sawamura family. The General did say that his wife has passed away long ago, and with Daichi probably died in the war and the General got executed from the war trials, probably no one is left by now to take care of the family grave. It saddens him, somehow.

“But at least they put your name,” whispers Koushi with a sad smile to the family grave. Right across The General’s name, at another side of the tomb stone, Daichi’s name was carved on the long wooden board. Even after all these years, seeing the name of the man he loves the most on a tomb stone still gives his heart a scratch of pain. He wonders if there’s Daichi’s urn at all inside the grave. No one even knows where he died in Pacific War, after all. Maybe he’s in the middle of a mountain. Maybe he’s at the bottom of the sea with sunken war ship. Maybe he’s lying somewhere in an unnamed grave ....

Koushi decides to ignore the blue thought and cleans the grave instead. He folds the sleeves to his upper arm and starts by pulling the weeds one by one. Then he scrubs the grave from dirts and stains with water from the wooden tube. Some of them refuse to come out, sticking to the stone stubbornly. An hour past noon, Koushi lets out a heavy breath and gets up to admire the simple cleaning for the Sawamura family grave. It still looks poorly maintained, but at least Koushi can read the family’s name clearer.

After he lays down the white and yellow chrysants to the altar and burn the incense sticks, Koushi squats himself down and decides that now is the proper time to say hi.

“I’ve found you, finally, Daichi. I’m sorry it takes a while.”

He turns his gaze to the left and speaks to the General too, “I probably need to say hi to you too, General ....”

And after a short doubt, he adds with a smile, “and _thank you_ , maybe. Whether I like it or not, you make it easier for me to left Yoshiwara.”

“...” Koushi opens his mouth, but finds nothing to say. So he closes it again, laughing sheepishly, as he takes out a very old chess board from his small suitcase, placing every pieces to each tiles where it belongs, one by one, “I don’t know what to do or say when visiting a grave. So let’s play a chess, shall we ...?”

The only answer he heard comes from the rustle sounds of the leaves blown by the wind. Koushi nods to himself, and moves one of his pawns.

 

_***_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all of you who somehow stay until the end of the story :""D wow, it must be hard .....
> 
> While writing the ending, I was baffled between making Daichi alive or stay dead, and I choose the latter. I guess it's more realistic that way in the war era.
> 
> Btw, thou I don't write it in the story, Daichi sent the rings for Suga with a thought that Suga could sell it if he needed money somehow. He understood that life would be hard for Suga if he didn't have anything, and starting a new life was almost impossible without any fund.
> 
> There are so many Daichi's POV that I want to write but I couldn't because I want to make Suga re-called his memories with Daichi while receiving the letter, so of course the story would be written in how Suga remembered him :"'3 
> 
> Again, thank you for reading this story and all the feedbacks!


End file.
